Right Decision

I don't take amazing pictures, I don't have a traumatic story to share and I certainly don't live in a city filled with excitement. I am just another woman trying to make it from day to day. We all have a story, a dream, an experience, something to motivates or demotivates our every move. Mine is simple, but to me it is everything.

I screwed up, i made the wrong choice once and it changed my life forever. I was a silly, energetic and independent girl. I was in my late 20's and the thoughts of finding a purpose were steady in my head. I knew that I had the world in my hands to do whatever I wanted and go wherever i wanted. I had a car that i had paid for with my own money, still leaving with the parents :/ and just started a new job with health insurance, 401k. I was a single woman that had nothing to hold me back. I was just waiting for my fairy tale to begin. I was really learning who was as an individual woman. I felt like i was ready for a new relationship, a fresh start. Some might even think I was partying a little too much. I was drinking on the weekends but had learned from my past to draw the line there. I was just enjoying having good clean "intoxicated" fun.
I meet a few different guys all around the same time, one was Mike Beard. He was silly, fun, smart and seemed to have everything together. He seemed to fit into my equation and he smelled amazing. later i would learn he showered once or twice a day and wore expensive cologne. the first day i meet him i thought i might lose all control because of his scent. I wanted to ask mike out but i knew that i had to not be aggressive and let the men come to me. thank you tracy, my bff. he finally asked me out and that was it, we were both happily addicted. we both liked the same things and we could stay up late hours of the night just talking. One month later my life changed in less than a minute when two lines showed on a pregnancy test. now this was fine, this i could handle or at least get use to. what i couldn't handle, was the bomb that was dropped just a mere two days after finding out the biggest shock of my life. Mike sat me down and told me he had gotten another girl we work with pregnant and she was about 6 months along. also he said he wanted nothing to do with her baby. i was shocked, speechless. I felt used, betrayed, like i was part of a huge joke. i couldn't believe this had happened to me. for the first time in my life i considered abortion. i didn't want to be part of it. mikes mess, baby mama drama, i just wanted out and fast. that night i ran. i ran out of his door and got into my car and just drove.
things slowly just came together. i decided i made the choices i had made and now i have to learn from them. if mike wanted to be on board i was all for it.
now there is a reason people date, then get married and then have kids. we did this all backwards. now i guess we are still in the dating stage since our children, because i have twin girls, are becoming more self sufficient. the problem is we have gone through, custody and child support battles over his other child. it took me a long time to forget the fact that if he would have told me from jump, everything would be different. love my kids more than anything but this is not the life i wanted to give them.

picture my house, little on the corner of lilac and lake ridge drive, my kitchen window overlooking a lake. a white picket fence wrapped around the back yard. Inside is a man and a woman raising two little girls. the man works extra hours so mom can stay home and spend time with the kids. the woman decorates for every holiday and sends thank you notes for every gift. it is all picture perfect. it really is, i can show you pictures. what we don't know is what is behind these people. are they happy? do they really try for the right reasons? would things would of been better some other way?

these are questions that haunt me everyday of my life.

Time Flies

Spare Tire

I'm chubby. i love to eat, don't love to exercise. I gain just enough weight each winter so that my clothes are way too tight. Every year come January I find myself fighting with the scale. and food. and exercise. and waking from my afternoon nap with that urge to shove something, anything in my mouth, preferably sweet. this year i brought out the old, like 25 years old, treadmill and Jillian Michael's 30 day shred video for my ipod. Because the treadmill is almost as old as me, it works about as hard as i do. it keeps up for the first 30 mins then its slows done. GREAT! all done! not enough of a challenge but its something. yesterday for a change up i did the 30 day shred. It goes quickly with many different moves for 20 mins. SWEET! 20 mins and i am done, this i can do. then i get up today do my regular Thursday routine of packing the troop in the car, picking up my grandma and going to the grocery store. This should be some sort of workout, count for something. after 3 hours of this quality bonding time, i get home fight the kids down for a nap and sit on the couch to realize every muscle in my body hurts. I am shred for sure. I feel like i took my body apart and piece by piece placed it in a cheese shredder.
life does go on though and i must get off the couch somehow, put on decent looking clothes, no sweats, and go to work. like the robot that i am, i do it, some days i do it well. other days i just don't. get me in and get your four hours out of me and let me be. i do it. i do it each day knowing that it all has a purpose. i work and lose a few pounds, realize being skinny really doesn't change anything in my life except how well my clothes fit, and i do it all over again. What truly isnt fair about all of it is, i chase, literally, chase my girls around the house all day and i still gain like im doing nothing but sit on the couch. oh well, wish me luck cuz i am going to get in a treadmill night tonight. if i dont fall into shreds and get stuck in the wheels of the treadmill.

Christmas Eve

Santa was here!

bunch of mid day ramblings

WOW, Christmas eve? are you serious? how did i get here? my babies are no longer babies, our new house is completely broken in, i cant keep up on laundry.... oh and lets not forget my mother just turned 60 and my grandma refuses to take care of herself. So I'm dealing with my mom who thinks she is ugly and her life is over??? then my gma who needs me to do for her all the things I have to do for my 3 year olds. i am not complaining, just a little venting.
Santa is coming tonight and bringing two new bikes and a bunch of princess stuff. hopefully santa is bringing me an engagement ring and a new coffee maker :)
speaking of engagement ring...so i have been thinking (that cant be good). Why do I have to get married? I love mike but i dont feel like a wedding is right for us. i always dreamed of it being very romantic but mike and i are like the couple that have been together for 70 years and barely talk. it is also a little scary that it will make us legally tied to one another. i just dont want to do it because it is what we are suppose to do, i want to do it because i want to. so far, i just dont want to :( it makes everything financially 100% different for us and i have always just like having my own money. so many changes, one that i really want is the last name. i dont like having a different last name from my children. I thought about this before i ever got prego that if i had a child it would have my last name. things didnt happen that way though. tradition says that the babes get the fathers last name and in the long run i thought it would make things easier. it has been fine so far but when the girls start school it will be a little different. i just don't know. i do prefer my children have all the same father, if we are married when i have another child we will have to pay a ton of hospital bills. if we are not married then the state will take care of it.....what a world?!
mike, bless his heart, wants us to be financial set for our retirement and i agree. this means that everything we pay for, we pay in cash. our wedding, cars, vacations, etc. we need a million things for our home and we both have different ideas for what is a priority. I want new bedroom furniture and he wants new lazy boys. he is such a man, we need new living room furniture and he wants to get everything in black because it would match the tv???? he needs to step back and let me decorate....hmmm better get back to getting ready for xmas :)

A great start to the Holiday Season

The kids conquered this hay maze, the loved it. I had to get in and drag them out.

Vanna


Maddie

Ivan

Vanna and Maddie

Vanna, Ivan and Maddie

I had a real busy weekend. Straight from work on Friday I joined mike at champions to hang out with some of his old friends. I did get a talk from one of his closest friends that mike is really planning for a wedding in our near future....Do I want to be married to him? Can we live the life of eternal bliss no matter what comes our way? more on that at a later date. Saturday morning woke up to a very sick mike and two needy two year old. Thank God that I have them. I went into the salon at noon and got a short hair cut. I have not had short hair in about 6 years and I hated it then. love it now, it gives me a hip mom look and its super easy to do. Then I went from that to watching my nephews while my sister emptied her house for new carpet. four kids can really make you wanna go crazy, plus my help is sick in bed. No sleep on Saturday night cuz the baby didn't feel well. stressful but quality filled day will all four kids. no sleep last night cuz both sister and nephew slept with me. a sacrifice I am always happy to make :)

I woke up this morning to my annoying alarm clock and rolled to see my sweet nephew sleeping right next to me. I got up and got ready for work. Gave my sleeping sister a huge sisterly love hug, kissed my nephews and started to work. Half way to work I realized I forgot my phone. I went back and got it but was happy to see while sitting at a red light a little rainbow. A small reminder from God that there is always hope.

My sister and I did take the kids to the Pumpkin Farm last night. They had a blast!

Trying to Keep Up

It's hard to keep up. I do everything I am suppose to on the outside but the crazy girl on the inside is dying to get out. I have such a wonderful life but I take it for granted.

This past week at church I realized that God has a plan for me and it is up to me to trust him and follow him or do it my own way. So far I have done it my own way. Things didn't work out the way I planned. I wanted to fall in love, get married, have tons of babies and just have the fairy tale. I thought all I had to do was just waste time until this all fell in my lap. I wasted time by partying and being young and crazy. I got drunk, had unprotected sex and now everything in my life revolves around those mistakes that I made. I love my children and Mike but this was not my fairy tale and because I did not trust God, I am paying for my mistakes. Things are good, but we do have to work a little harder for them. Mike and I don't have the love story I always dreamed of, but we are learning to love one another. I don't get a second chance to go back and change things but I can trust God and follow him so that my future is in his hands. Believe that its not too late for happily ever after.

I deal with the crazy girl inside. She doesn't want to work and just wants to play. She doesn't care if the house is a mess or if the kids had a bath. She is just holding on for the next beer or next cigarette to get me through. I just need to remember when I need comfort I don't have to turn to things, I can just turn to God. That is funny because its so easy but yet it feels much harder. I would honestly feel more comfortable just drinking her away. Unforunately that only shuts her up for a little while.

I will be fine. I am going to marry Mike, he has promised me more kids and I am going to be happy. I think I am going to go my see my doctor about changing my depression meds tho. :\