Trying to Keep Up

It's hard to keep up. I do everything I am suppose to on the outside but the crazy girl on the inside is dying to get out. I have such a wonderful life but I take it for granted.

This past week at church I realized that God has a plan for me and it is up to me to trust him and follow him or do it my own way. So far I have done it my own way. Things didn't work out the way I planned. I wanted to fall in love, get married, have tons of babies and just have the fairy tale. I thought all I had to do was just waste time until this all fell in my lap. I wasted time by partying and being young and crazy. I got drunk, had unprotected sex and now everything in my life revolves around those mistakes that I made. I love my children and Mike but this was not my fairy tale and because I did not trust God, I am paying for my mistakes. Things are good, but we do have to work a little harder for them. Mike and I don't have the love story I always dreamed of, but we are learning to love one another. I don't get a second chance to go back and change things but I can trust God and follow him so that my future is in his hands. Believe that its not too late for happily ever after.

I deal with the crazy girl inside. She doesn't want to work and just wants to play. She doesn't care if the house is a mess or if the kids had a bath. She is just holding on for the next beer or next cigarette to get me through. I just need to remember when I need comfort I don't have to turn to things, I can just turn to God. That is funny because its so easy but yet it feels much harder. I would honestly feel more comfortable just drinking her away. Unforunately that only shuts her up for a little while.

I will be fine. I am going to marry Mike, he has promised me more kids and I am going to be happy. I think I am going to go my see my doctor about changing my depression meds tho. :\

Potty Time

So we are potty training or least trying. my daughters will not use the potty for me. They go for daddy, grandma, the babysitter, everyone but me. We have a reward system where they get a sticker to put on their potty chart. Today when the girls woke up I asked them if they wanted to earn a sticker and go potty and they both yelled "no" at me. 3 minutes later Maddie sits on the potty for mike. they follow me into the bathroom and when they hear me pee they say, "good girl, momma" "you get a sticker" "your a big girl". yet they refuse to go potty for me. I feel like I am failing at this part of motherhood. they are with me more than anyone but they wont go. I don't want to force them because I don't want going to be a bad thing or something they don't like to do. what do i do?

wordless wednesday

Friday was a good day!

other life changing events

I just finished the book "love the one you are with".  It basically is about a woman in a content marriage meets up with an old boyfriend with whom she had a very passionate relationship with.  All in all she thinks that she shouldn't be married to her husband because their relationship isn't filled with passion.  This hit me very close to home.  At the end I read this paragraph that has answered a lot of questions I have had....

"Sometimes there are no happy endings.  No matter what, I'll be losing something, someone.

But maybe that's what it all comes down to.  Love, not as a surge of passion, but as a choice to commit to something, someone, no matter what obstacles or temptations stand in the way.  And maybe making that choice, again and again, day in and day out, year after year, says more about love than never having a choice to make it all."

This is huge for me and I even opened up to mike and shared it with him.

Nope, try again.

What's this familiar feeling?

So a few weeks ago I went in for the U/S for my IUD and got the call earlier this week that everything is just fine. Great, great!
Saturday, I go to meijers with my mom and get so dizzy that I have to call Mike and have him come pick me up. Sunday, Monday and Tuesday I can not get enough sleep to save my life. I am still exhausted today but am able to deal with it and just go to bed early. Then, as always with a period, I crave CARBS. pasta, breadsticks, pizza anything I can get my hands on. The strange thing that bothers me is (forgive me is this is TMI) my nipples hurt, bad. This was the trigger for me to take a pregnancy test with the girls.
When I was at the doctor a few weeks ago they did a pregnancy test and it was negative. Is it possible, could it be? Should I take another PT?