Right Decision

I don't take amazing pictures, I don't have a traumatic story to share and I certainly don't live in a city filled with excitement. I am just another woman trying to make it from day to day. We all have a story, a dream, an experience, something to motivates or demotivates our every move. Mine is simple, but to me it is everything.

I screwed up, i made the wrong choice once and it changed my life forever. I was a silly, energetic and independent girl. I was in my late 20's and the thoughts of finding a purpose were steady in my head. I knew that I had the world in my hands to do whatever I wanted and go wherever i wanted. I had a car that i had paid for with my own money, still leaving with the parents :/ and just started a new job with health insurance, 401k. I was a single woman that had nothing to hold me back. I was just waiting for my fairy tale to begin. I was really learning who was as an individual woman. I felt like i was ready for a new relationship, a fresh start. Some might even think I was partying a little too much. I was drinking on the weekends but had learned from my past to draw the line there. I was just enjoying having good clean "intoxicated" fun.
I meet a few different guys all around the same time, one was Mike Beard. He was silly, fun, smart and seemed to have everything together. He seemed to fit into my equation and he smelled amazing. later i would learn he showered once or twice a day and wore expensive cologne. the first day i meet him i thought i might lose all control because of his scent. I wanted to ask mike out but i knew that i had to not be aggressive and let the men come to me. thank you tracy, my bff. he finally asked me out and that was it, we were both happily addicted. we both liked the same things and we could stay up late hours of the night just talking. One month later my life changed in less than a minute when two lines showed on a pregnancy test. now this was fine, this i could handle or at least get use to. what i couldn't handle, was the bomb that was dropped just a mere two days after finding out the biggest shock of my life. Mike sat me down and told me he had gotten another girl we work with pregnant and she was about 6 months along. also he said he wanted nothing to do with her baby. i was shocked, speechless. I felt used, betrayed, like i was part of a huge joke. i couldn't believe this had happened to me. for the first time in my life i considered abortion. i didn't want to be part of it. mikes mess, baby mama drama, i just wanted out and fast. that night i ran. i ran out of his door and got into my car and just drove.
things slowly just came together. i decided i made the choices i had made and now i have to learn from them. if mike wanted to be on board i was all for it.
now there is a reason people date, then get married and then have kids. we did this all backwards. now i guess we are still in the dating stage since our children, because i have twin girls, are becoming more self sufficient. the problem is we have gone through, custody and child support battles over his other child. it took me a long time to forget the fact that if he would have told me from jump, everything would be different. love my kids more than anything but this is not the life i wanted to give them.

picture my house, little on the corner of lilac and lake ridge drive, my kitchen window overlooking a lake. a white picket fence wrapped around the back yard. Inside is a man and a woman raising two little girls. the man works extra hours so mom can stay home and spend time with the kids. the woman decorates for every holiday and sends thank you notes for every gift. it is all picture perfect. it really is, i can show you pictures. what we don't know is what is behind these people. are they happy? do they really try for the right reasons? would things would of been better some other way?

these are questions that haunt me everyday of my life.

Time Flies

Spare Tire

I'm chubby. i love to eat, don't love to exercise. I gain just enough weight each winter so that my clothes are way too tight. Every year come January I find myself fighting with the scale. and food. and exercise. and waking from my afternoon nap with that urge to shove something, anything in my mouth, preferably sweet. this year i brought out the old, like 25 years old, treadmill and Jillian Michael's 30 day shred video for my ipod. Because the treadmill is almost as old as me, it works about as hard as i do. it keeps up for the first 30 mins then its slows done. GREAT! all done! not enough of a challenge but its something. yesterday for a change up i did the 30 day shred. It goes quickly with many different moves for 20 mins. SWEET! 20 mins and i am done, this i can do. then i get up today do my regular Thursday routine of packing the troop in the car, picking up my grandma and going to the grocery store. This should be some sort of workout, count for something. after 3 hours of this quality bonding time, i get home fight the kids down for a nap and sit on the couch to realize every muscle in my body hurts. I am shred for sure. I feel like i took my body apart and piece by piece placed it in a cheese shredder.
life does go on though and i must get off the couch somehow, put on decent looking clothes, no sweats, and go to work. like the robot that i am, i do it, some days i do it well. other days i just don't. get me in and get your four hours out of me and let me be. i do it. i do it each day knowing that it all has a purpose. i work and lose a few pounds, realize being skinny really doesn't change anything in my life except how well my clothes fit, and i do it all over again. What truly isnt fair about all of it is, i chase, literally, chase my girls around the house all day and i still gain like im doing nothing but sit on the couch. oh well, wish me luck cuz i am going to get in a treadmill night tonight. if i dont fall into shreds and get stuck in the wheels of the treadmill.