Saying Goodbye

Life changes. nothing can be done sometimes. I believe life is all about learning to adjust to change. whenever we get comfortable, something changes. Changes are not always bad, some are amazing and other traumatizing.
My life change, that i have fought with for about a year now is letting go of Mike. I love him, just not enough. I wanted with all my heart to be happy with him but i could not make that happy. he wanted the same, but we both just ended up miserable. I lived the last 6 months...maybe more, questioning every minute i was with whether i wanted to spend my life like that. Sometimes even when i wasnt with him, i would get lost in trying to find the right answer. People say if you are not happy, your kids will not be happy. my kids are happy, but what if they could be happier. what if they didnt see me cry every now and then? what if they were happier and i was happier, would life feel a little better? Would my stomach hurt less, would my medicine bills go down, would i be less depressed? Then on the other hand what if everything just gets worse? Well now i have no choice, mike is done, he "checked out months ago". that hurts, life changes and now i find my daughters and i a new home. huge change when home is all we know. you would probably think why do i have to leave? mike bought the house in his name, he is just going to let it foreclose. so sad :( sweet lilac lane. we loved that house but now its a bad memory. This is will also be goodbye to this blog. I am no longer the woman that started it. My dream is the same but parts of the dream are going to be different. I can do different, I may feel a ton better, different. The new blog will be written by a strong single mom, not a sad, dumped failure.
I hate saying goodbye....i hate it. whenever my brother goes out of the state for work, we dont even make plans to see each other or talk on the phone. i hate goodbyes. so instead of goodbye, i will see you later.

giving up?

How do you know when its time to give up? I have been fighting with this for some time now. I believe that it has to come to point in my relationship with Mike where i need to move on. I do not feel good about it, we have built a family and a home together. We have a picture perfect life but on the inside we are both hurting. I live everyday feeling like mike hates me and i learned yesterday that he feels the same way. He thinks that i hate him. I somewhat think that maybe knowing this information we would be able to accept that and move forward. I just dont see it happening. Mike is a very quiet person, he does not know how to show feelings and basically just doesnt try because he says it feels forced. i am the complete opposite. I wear my feelings on my shoulder and i say everything thing i feel. Strangely enough when we meet we got along great. I thought from day one that he was the one. Shortly after we found out i was pregnant and i decided that i would be the one to show this man love and he would fall in love w me. everything was good, then the girls were born and it just didnt come natural anymore. All the time and love i was putting into this man went to the girls. I loved mike but the girls were more important. nothing but the best was good enough for them. we played the back and forth game for 3 years. i wanted, still want it to work but there is always this doubt, this thinking that all i have put him thru he must hate me. To add to that, he never showed love. Never touched me, never told me and it just came to the point where i feared i was loving someone that did not and would not love me back. I have done this before and was not gonna do it again.
So here i am trying to decide if i should rent an apartment, try to buy a house, where at, what i will need, when will it happen. it sucks knowing that leaving is something i can do but thinking about packing all my things out of my home and taking them to a strange place and try to make it home...it scares me. i had a hard time moving in with mike, harder time moving from the apartment to our house. i cant imagine how hard it will be moving away from all the work i put into this house to make our home. this is trivial but i cant help to think about driving by here in a few years and seeing a new family in my home. Will they take care of my flowers and shrubs that i planted? will they cut down the rose bush i put up in memory of my grandma? Will their kids play in the fenced in yard that my kids played in?
Then i think about how will Christmas feel without Mike. sharing the girls for the holidays...he has no family, will he do anything special for the years, will he get a Christmas tree? who will buy him presents and make him breakfast? it just breaks my heart to think he will spend his holidays alone, sleeping in, eating fast food.
If i only knew what it was that i am doing that is so wrong that makes him despise me? does he despise me or is that something i made up in my head? did he really want to marry me?
God, please guide me heart and life. i know you have a plan for me, the girls and mike. you want all of us to be happy. together or not Lord, i pray that we can get through this with as little pain as possible.

Old beginnings

Everyday lately has been a new challenge. I started seeing a new doctor and she wants to make some tweaks to my depression meds. She added Pamelor to the meds i am already taking. I was very excited about this. Even though the meds i am on now do keep me feeling ok, my goal is to feel good. I do not want to wake in the morning and feel like i have lost my best friend. I took the new meds for a total of 6 days. By the 6th day i found myself planning details of a suicide. when the reality of this hit me i called the doctor. they told me to stop the meds and come back to see the dr. I started feeling better within 24 hours of stopping the meds and now a week later i feel like i am back to my previous self. while on this medication i decided that i needed to make changes to my work schedule to find my time for myself. this pissed mike right off, my "supportive" significant other turn into a huge ass and told me i am selfish and lazy and need to go back to work full time instead of part time. this is something i could go on about for hours but i am not wasting time being angry. he said many horrible things to me and i don't know that i can forget them. i don't know what i am going to about my relationship with mike. i wish it worked but i cant make him be different. i believe he has bad feelings towards to me deep down but he will not admit it. this is all in Gods hands and i can not think about it. sometimes i just need to vent and i don't always have someone to vent to...so here i am.
this blog may sometimes sound crazy and not make sense but this is me trying to figure this whole thing out. let me just note, my daughter is rolling on the floor next to me crying that it is her turn! ugh! Cant i get a f-ning break!!????!!

Get to know me

1. what was the first thing on your mind today when you woke up? what day it was
2. when was the last time you cried? about 30 mins ago cuz life is not what i thought it would be
3. what do you do for a living? Telephone Service Rep
4. do you have a blog? obviously
5. what is/are your favorite blog/s to read? ones from moms with strength
6. what's one personal product you couldn't do without? this is hard for me cuz i dont use products everyday but when i do im a product junky, probably would be mascara
7. what's your favorite cereal? changes everyday, today is reese's puffs
8. if you could go anywhere in the world right now where would you go? an exotic beach somewhere far away
9. what's your biggest fear? not being accepted
10. do you have any questions for me?

Lake Michigan

Greener Grass

Sometimes the grass does look greener on the other side. Sometimes i can get a little carried away throwing my emotions on the web for the world to see but sometimes i just cant help it.
Mike and I have been together for four years and starting planning a wedding for June 2011. We have a very different relationship than most but it seems to have worked for the both of us up until now. On Mothers day i was very upset that mike did not plan on letting me sleep in, i had to ask but then took a five hour nap after I got up. he took me to get food and a gift the night before. no happy wishes, no card, no special treatment. I was torn, i had to tell him this was not ok. He put up a wall and told me i was being ridiculous and that no matter what he can not make me happy. he also earlier in the day made a comment about having the girls make me mothers day cards but 'they probably got thrown away'. this crushed me. i love cards, cards are perfect for those of us who aren't good with words or showing our feelings. cards are a perfect out for mike. i always am most excited on all occasions for the card. nothing. no big deal this i can live with. so i expressed my feelings and he didn't take it well. he mentioned how he was ready if i was gonna leave he had excepted that he wouldn't be around his kids all the time and that he would love everything....where is this coming from?...I am not leaving, that's not what people do.
Is mike perfect? no. is he whom I dreamed of all my life? no. His toilet humor annoys me and he is very to himself. This is mike, this is who i learned to live a different life around. he tells me he cares for me but does not have deep feelings for me. This confuses me to no end. My feelings for mike are only deep, I care for him because of all the things the two of us have fought so hard for. I love mike because he is the father and a good father to my daughters. I see the way my children smile when their daddy makes them laugh and this makes me love. I watch him go to work and work hard to give us all everything we need and more. This is not a fairy tale love. When I was pregnant, he is a man i found attractive, respectful, smart and fun. Then the girls came and they became first, we got set in our ways and comfortable with each other.
So now I am venting because in two hours I am going to dinner with him to discuss our future. Some tell me that i should leave him and find someone who is going to give me what i need. I don't even know what that is. My sister always reminds me that whatever i chose, I am the one who has to live with it. One thing i know for sure is i just want whoever I am with to just accept me for who i am. I'm not perfect nor will i ever be. I will want one thing today and something different tomorrow, but to know that the person I am with doesn't care. go with the flow.
I have been praying today about it and about how I want God to just give me the strength to do whatever it is he wants me to do. I'm going in and letting God do the talking through me.
wish me luck cuz things are going to change.

Right Decision

I don't take amazing pictures, I don't have a traumatic story to share and I certainly don't live in a city filled with excitement. I am just another woman trying to make it from day to day. We all have a story, a dream, an experience, something to motivates or demotivates our every move. Mine is simple, but to me it is everything.

I screwed up, i made the wrong choice once and it changed my life forever. I was a silly, energetic and independent girl. I was in my late 20's and the thoughts of finding a purpose were steady in my head. I knew that I had the world in my hands to do whatever I wanted and go wherever i wanted. I had a car that i had paid for with my own money, still leaving with the parents :/ and just started a new job with health insurance, 401k. I was a single woman that had nothing to hold me back. I was just waiting for my fairy tale to begin. I was really learning who was as an individual woman. I felt like i was ready for a new relationship, a fresh start. Some might even think I was partying a little too much. I was drinking on the weekends but had learned from my past to draw the line there. I was just enjoying having good clean "intoxicated" fun.
I meet a few different guys all around the same time, one was Mike Beard. He was silly, fun, smart and seemed to have everything together. He seemed to fit into my equation and he smelled amazing. later i would learn he showered once or twice a day and wore expensive cologne. the first day i meet him i thought i might lose all control because of his scent. I wanted to ask mike out but i knew that i had to not be aggressive and let the men come to me. thank you tracy, my bff. he finally asked me out and that was it, we were both happily addicted. we both liked the same things and we could stay up late hours of the night just talking. One month later my life changed in less than a minute when two lines showed on a pregnancy test. now this was fine, this i could handle or at least get use to. what i couldn't handle, was the bomb that was dropped just a mere two days after finding out the biggest shock of my life. Mike sat me down and told me he had gotten another girl we work with pregnant and she was about 6 months along. also he said he wanted nothing to do with her baby. i was shocked, speechless. I felt used, betrayed, like i was part of a huge joke. i couldn't believe this had happened to me. for the first time in my life i considered abortion. i didn't want to be part of it. mikes mess, baby mama drama, i just wanted out and fast. that night i ran. i ran out of his door and got into my car and just drove.
things slowly just came together. i decided i made the choices i had made and now i have to learn from them. if mike wanted to be on board i was all for it.
now there is a reason people date, then get married and then have kids. we did this all backwards. now i guess we are still in the dating stage since our children, because i have twin girls, are becoming more self sufficient. the problem is we have gone through, custody and child support battles over his other child. it took me a long time to forget the fact that if he would have told me from jump, everything would be different. love my kids more than anything but this is not the life i wanted to give them.

picture my house, little on the corner of lilac and lake ridge drive, my kitchen window overlooking a lake. a white picket fence wrapped around the back yard. Inside is a man and a woman raising two little girls. the man works extra hours so mom can stay home and spend time with the kids. the woman decorates for every holiday and sends thank you notes for every gift. it is all picture perfect. it really is, i can show you pictures. what we don't know is what is behind these people. are they happy? do they really try for the right reasons? would things would of been better some other way?

these are questions that haunt me everyday of my life.