Saying Goodbye

Life changes. nothing can be done sometimes. I believe life is all about learning to adjust to change. whenever we get comfortable, something changes. Changes are not always bad, some are amazing and other traumatizing.
My life change, that i have fought with for about a year now is letting go of Mike. I love him, just not enough. I wanted with all my heart to be happy with him but i could not make that happy. he wanted the same, but we both just ended up miserable. I lived the last 6 months...maybe more, questioning every minute i was with whether i wanted to spend my life like that. Sometimes even when i wasnt with him, i would get lost in trying to find the right answer. People say if you are not happy, your kids will not be happy. my kids are happy, but what if they could be happier. what if they didnt see me cry every now and then? what if they were happier and i was happier, would life feel a little better? Would my stomach hurt less, would my medicine bills go down, would i be less depressed? Then on the other hand what if everything just gets worse? Well now i have no choice, mike is done, he "checked out months ago". that hurts, life changes and now i find my daughters and i a new home. huge change when home is all we know. you would probably think why do i have to leave? mike bought the house in his name, he is just going to let it foreclose. so sad :( sweet lilac lane. we loved that house but now its a bad memory. This is will also be goodbye to this blog. I am no longer the woman that started it. My dream is the same but parts of the dream are going to be different. I can do different, I may feel a ton better, different. The new blog will be written by a strong single mom, not a sad, dumped failure.
I hate saying goodbye....i hate it. whenever my brother goes out of the state for work, we dont even make plans to see each other or talk on the phone. i hate goodbyes. so instead of goodbye, i will see you later.

giving up?

How do you know when its time to give up? I have been fighting with this for some time now. I believe that it has to come to point in my relationship with Mike where i need to move on. I do not feel good about it, we have built a family and a home together. We have a picture perfect life but on the inside we are both hurting. I live everyday feeling like mike hates me and i learned yesterday that he feels the same way. He thinks that i hate him. I somewhat think that maybe knowing this information we would be able to accept that and move forward. I just dont see it happening. Mike is a very quiet person, he does not know how to show feelings and basically just doesnt try because he says it feels forced. i am the complete opposite. I wear my feelings on my shoulder and i say everything thing i feel. Strangely enough when we meet we got along great. I thought from day one that he was the one. Shortly after we found out i was pregnant and i decided that i would be the one to show this man love and he would fall in love w me. everything was good, then the girls were born and it just didnt come natural anymore. All the time and love i was putting into this man went to the girls. I loved mike but the girls were more important. nothing but the best was good enough for them. we played the back and forth game for 3 years. i wanted, still want it to work but there is always this doubt, this thinking that all i have put him thru he must hate me. To add to that, he never showed love. Never touched me, never told me and it just came to the point where i feared i was loving someone that did not and would not love me back. I have done this before and was not gonna do it again.
So here i am trying to decide if i should rent an apartment, try to buy a house, where at, what i will need, when will it happen. it sucks knowing that leaving is something i can do but thinking about packing all my things out of my home and taking them to a strange place and try to make it home...it scares me. i had a hard time moving in with mike, harder time moving from the apartment to our house. i cant imagine how hard it will be moving away from all the work i put into this house to make our home. this is trivial but i cant help to think about driving by here in a few years and seeing a new family in my home. Will they take care of my flowers and shrubs that i planted? will they cut down the rose bush i put up in memory of my grandma? Will their kids play in the fenced in yard that my kids played in?
Then i think about how will Christmas feel without Mike. sharing the girls for the holidays...he has no family, will he do anything special for the years, will he get a Christmas tree? who will buy him presents and make him breakfast? it just breaks my heart to think he will spend his holidays alone, sleeping in, eating fast food.
If i only knew what it was that i am doing that is so wrong that makes him despise me? does he despise me or is that something i made up in my head? did he really want to marry me?
God, please guide me heart and life. i know you have a plan for me, the girls and mike. you want all of us to be happy. together or not Lord, i pray that we can get through this with as little pain as possible.

Old beginnings

Everyday lately has been a new challenge. I started seeing a new doctor and she wants to make some tweaks to my depression meds. She added Pamelor to the meds i am already taking. I was very excited about this. Even though the meds i am on now do keep me feeling ok, my goal is to feel good. I do not want to wake in the morning and feel like i have lost my best friend. I took the new meds for a total of 6 days. By the 6th day i found myself planning details of a suicide. when the reality of this hit me i called the doctor. they told me to stop the meds and come back to see the dr. I started feeling better within 24 hours of stopping the meds and now a week later i feel like i am back to my previous self. while on this medication i decided that i needed to make changes to my work schedule to find my time for myself. this pissed mike right off, my "supportive" significant other turn into a huge ass and told me i am selfish and lazy and need to go back to work full time instead of part time. this is something i could go on about for hours but i am not wasting time being angry. he said many horrible things to me and i don't know that i can forget them. i don't know what i am going to about my relationship with mike. i wish it worked but i cant make him be different. i believe he has bad feelings towards to me deep down but he will not admit it. this is all in Gods hands and i can not think about it. sometimes i just need to vent and i don't always have someone to vent to...so here i am.
this blog may sometimes sound crazy and not make sense but this is me trying to figure this whole thing out. let me just note, my daughter is rolling on the floor next to me crying that it is her turn! ugh! Cant i get a f-ning break!!????!!