The Balance

The weekend I found out I was pregnant started on Friday when I was looking out of the ordinarily skinny, I put on a cute skirt, halter top and sandals and headed over to mike's place. it was april still but i was warm enough to go with barely nothing on. We had nothing to do so we just went to the Dollar to drink (half off nite). I vividly remember most of the night and had a blast. On the ride home I knew I was wasted. I passed out as soon as we got to mike's. The next day we went to a Lugnuts game and I met Brandon, and that night Tracy and I went out for a drink and went home early cuz i just felt more "grown up" than all the people out drinking. I had seen Krystal that night and she told me I looked like I didnt feel well. I told her I did feel a little tired. The next morning was Easter and then the next day I was set to start my period. At Easter dinner Rachel told me I looked different and really skinny. (Its funny how the two people in the world who couldnt wait till I was pregnant could see before I did.) That night after I left mike's i got home and just for the heck of it took a pregnancy test. I called Krystal and she said she thought so the night before. It was late but Brianna was up with Krys and it just makes me laugh to remember her over hearing krys talking and being so excited. stinker!

I had a trash can under my night stand and I threw the test in there cuz I didnt want anyone to find it. Almost every hour on the hour I woke up that night and pulled it out of the trash to make sure I read it right. That morning I went to planned parenthood to make sure it was right. They did the test and in less than a minute confirmed. I then went and bought the pregnancy bible "What to expect when you are expecting". Around the afternoon I found it in me to call my mom and tell her. Being a chicken I asked her to tell my dad. Neither one of them was upset, thank the Lord. So quickly in 24 hours I went from party girl to soon to be mother. I tried to embrace the mommy part as much as possible but still be cool. Its not easy with a belly for all to see. It was like a big letter A on my chest saying "Yes I have sex". Not until recently have I realized I dont have to let go of the Woman I was before motherhood. So thats where I am in life trying to find that balance.

Trash

So I'm watching tv and a commercial comes on with a woman dumping oatmeal in a trash bag. I totally caught my attention and I thought, "Wow, she's brave. I would never do that, why not dump it down the sink." the commercial continued and it ended up being for trash bags. Then I started thinking what about that commercial caught my attention? why did I care where she dumped her trash? Why was i concerned where oatmeal was going? Then I remember, I am a mom. I deal with trash and oatmeal and being fugal on a daily basis. The people at Glad succeeded in catching me the grocery getting mom, on why there trash bags are the best.

Its stupid but again I am reminded how I went from earrings and shoes that match every outfit, to diapers and Windex. I am not complaining because I am very thankful for all I have. It just changed so quickly I didnt get time to prepare. I never got to transition, it was just drinks and partying one day to Barney and laundry the next.

Faced with a new challenge

When i gave birth to my daughters I wanted more than anything to stay home and not go back to work.  I had a horrible fear that because they would spend most of their waking hours with a child care giver, they would look to her as the mother.  I begged with Mike to go part time but it just wasnt possible.  we didnt make enough money.  I got use to going back to work and appreciated having a few hours away from the girls each day.  I basically decided to leave it in God's hands.  As time went on our babysitter decided she needed something different and we needed to find something else.  Before this had happened mike and i had planned for it and realized the only option we had was for me to work PT.  I received approval and my first day on the new schedule I realized my girls are going to be first in my life and not just fit in around work.  

I took total advantage of this and spend "quality" time with the girls everyday.  We grew a much closer bond, in fact they may be a little to reliable on me.  I get to spend my days with the girls and from 4-8 get time away at work.  The more time i spend with them the more i realize they would like to get away from me a few hours a day and have other kids to play with.  I started considering working more hours during the week and giving them the chance to go to a day care for a few hours.  because of money this wasnt going to work.

A few weeks ago I put my app in for a new position at work.  the salary starts at 35K.  this would be a huge help to my family financially but would require me to go back FT.  with this salary we could afford daycare.  not that i want the girls raised by someone else, but i really think they would like the structure.  if i take this opportunity I would be giving up the chance of being home in the first few years of any new babies we have.

So i guess this is my prayer...Lord, this is in your hands and I pray you give me the strength to handle whatever comes my way.

a little reminder

i love my children more than life.  they make me smile whenever i think about them but there are days when i wonder if i really want more.  

today i took the girls to their first cinema movie.  we saw monsters vs aliens.  uncle pizzle and grandma Maggie came along.  Vanna has been running a fever so she sat through it real well.  about half way thru the movie i remembered that i had not changed Maddie before the movie, so i grabbed her and went to the bathroom.  thanks to the cheap target brand diapers her pants were SOAKED.  i changed her and took them off.  i tried to dry them with the hand dryer but they were so wet it didn't do anything.  so i took her back into the movie with just her diaper on.  *shrug*

at this point she was done with the movie.  "momma i all done", "momma lets go home".  we were in the aisle row so i just let her crawl around on the floor since this made her happy.  she then settled down and watched the rest of the movie.  at this point her and Vanna were both getting "feisty" for lack of better word, and we went out to my parents with grandpa time.  before i worked part time we spend every Wednesday night with them for "Wednesdays with grandpa".  these girls have him wrapped more times around the finger than i ever had him and i have always been daddy's little girl.   

anyway, it was close to seven by the time we got home and the house and kitchen were destroyed, laundry needed to be folded and dinner still hadn't been cooked.  after i did all those things the girls still needed a bath and Vanna was whiny.  i had the girls in the tub and was putting the bumper back on Vanna's bed (yesterday morning she threw up all over her bed and i had to wash everything), i was thinking how i was stressed and tired and just wanted to have time alone for a minute then i remembered....I was in the salon this morning and one of the stylist was asking about my girls, i get so proud talking about them and love telling people how lucky i am to get to stay home with me, duh!  why was i stressed?  i have two beautiful girls who light up my life, at that moment i realized there was no where else in the world i wanted to be other than making my daughters bed for her.

i am blessed beyond blessed and of course i want another child.  nothing in this world makes me feel the way my children do.

Warm

Today is the first real warm, beautiful day this year. The girls and I went outside this morning and played in the dirt. Uncle Pizzle came over and we went for a jog/walk, out to lunch and then to lowes. its amazing how good everyone feels on a day like this. you just want to be outside, doesnt matter why. it also reminds me of how blessed i am. that i can take my girls out and let them enjoy the outdoors. i can see their smiling faces and all the thoughts and ideas racing thru their heads. they really love being outside.

the birth

I was very lucky with a pretty easy pregnancy. I had real bad morning sickness for the first four months and was hospitalized once for dehydration. the second trimester was a breeze, but the third is when i became miserable. I was just so tired all the time and my body felt so heavy. I also had bad restless leg symdrome and couldnt sleep well cuz my hips were stretching. then maddie decided to place her butt on my rib and squashed my lung for the last month of pregnancy. I was out of work cuz i just couldnt sit still in that uncomfortable chair for 7 hours. I was healthy, just uncomfortable.

On November 8, 2006 mike and i meet at the doctors office for my regular check. they did a quick ultrasound to check the growth and everything looked fine. I actually remember being in a real good mood at the office and not feeling as uncomfortable as normal. They gave me pictures of the girls and said that they had switched positions. Maddie who had been Baby A was now higher than savannah, who was Baby B. Savannah was closer to the cervix and both were head down. the doctor told me if i had any signs of labor to go to the hospital, otherwise see you in two weeks.

On the ride home i was frustrated. I measured 42 1/2 weeks along and i couldnt imagine how huge i would be in two weeks. i made dinner, ate and went and laid across my bed. i started crying cuz i just didnt know how much longer i could just sit around and get bigger. a few minutes into my tears, Krystal called to see how my check up went. I told her that the doc said "we could see babies in the next few weeks" and i told her how i didnt know if i could do it. she laughed and i got over it. that night mike stayed up extra late cuz he took the next day off of work. i always went to bed at 9pm because if i stayed up much later my restless leg thing would start. a few hours after falling asleep, i woke up to cramps that made me think i had to go to the bathroom. mike was not in bed yet and i got up and down about 3 times before he came in at 1pm to go to sleep. i told him i thought i was having contractions cuz i didnt know what else it could be. he told me to time them and he laid down and feel asleep. I tried to time them but they were not as bad as they were before. i woke him up and said they were about 15 mins apart. he told me to call my doctor and they told me to go to the hospital. we jumped up and starting rushing around. i didnt have a bag packed so i just threw a few things in a bag and left. i couldnt imagine that i wouldnt be back in a few hours.

As we drove to the hospital i had one contraction and i thought 'great, now they are going away. they are just gonna tell me to go home.' at the hospital the nurse came in and hooked me up on a monitor. savannah then started moving a lot and kept kicking the heart monitor off. they asked me how often i was having contractions and i said about every 15. the nurse then looked at me and said, "no you are having them every 2 minutes". the doctor came in to examine me and she sat down to take a look and said, "well you are dilated and i see a head". i panicked, i couldnt do anything to stop from the babies coming. another doctor came in and agreed i was in full on labor and that the babies would be going straight to the nicu because they were only 33 weeks.  She reassured me that this was fine and that her daughter was also in the nicu for 2 weeks after she was born.  i had no fear and was completely ok with everything.  she then asked me if i wanted a c section or to deliver.  she said "i will never make anyone do anything they dont want to do".  as a chicken i choose c section.  they told me it be a few hours because they were a few other woman ahead of me.  i think it was a full moon and they had a full house.

I was immediately bombarded by doctors and nurse asking me question, having me sign paperwork.  they were so many different people in the room i didnt know what was going on.  next thing i know they are taking me out of the room on the bed.  they handed mike some scrubs and started wheeling me down the hall.  i thought they were taking me to another room to wait.  my nurse then asked me if why i wasnt wearing a cap over my hair.  then someone was putting one on my head and wheeled me into a surgery room.  i had no idea why but they were doing the c section immediately.  i dont remember much in the delivery room other than the doctor saying "hello sunshine" as she pulled savannah out.  im pretty sure i held me breath until i heard her cry which felt like forever.  then i started crying.  they asked mike her name and he said "which side was she on?"  the dr said left and he said "savannah".  i looked at the clock and they were both born at 534am.  by this point my blood pressure was dropping and i felt like i couldnt breath and needed to throw up.  they got my bp under control and brought me a baby and said "here mommy give her a kiss before she goes to the nicu".  i remember looking at my daughter and not being able to understand what i was seeing.  i always thought i would have an instant connection but i honestly felt 'who is that' it could of been anyones baby.  i kissed the second baby and then the took them both away in one incubator.

i was still pretty out of it and i just wanted to get out of there and go see my mom.  mike told me my intestines were sitting on my chest and it would be a little bit.  i went to recovery and my mom and brother were there waiting for me.  my nurse, who had been with me since i checked in, was sitting at the end of my bed filling out paperwork.  she called up to the nicu and told us savannah weighed 4 14 and maddie was 5 3 and that in about an hour i could go up to see them.  mike was gone for most of the hour calling everyone we knew.  a little bit later sara showed up and i was so glad to see my sister.  

they finally came to take me up to see the girls and took me in my bed with mike, sara, jp and mom following.  when we got up there they only allowed me, mike and my mom to go in.  they first wheeled my into a little room where savannah was.  she was so tiny and covering in tubes and a mask on her face.  she had a hat on so i couldnt see her face at all.  they told me i could touch her but not rub her because her skin was so thin it would feel itchy to her.  they then rolled me right next door to where maddie was.  it was the same and i was so drugged i dont remember seeing her.  the rest of the day was mostly a blur due to the morphine.  i had a few visitors and was very proud to let everyone go up to see my daughters.

it took me a couple of days till i realized how much i loved them and needed them.  the emotions and hormones had taken over me and i felt like my heart was taken out and was two floors above me.   i needed rest but i couldnt stand not being with the girls.  even when i was with them i felt guilty that they were in different rooms and i couldnt be with them at the same time.

to this day whenever i hear of a baby going to the nicu my heart starts to ache for the mother and takes me back to the hours i just sat staring at my girls.

Playing with fire

My little blobs have gone into strong, healthy, tall and mouthy 2 year olds. Today i cleaned the house and when i was finished lite a few candles to make the house smell nice. At 2 the girls are really interested in fire. i went into the kitchen to lite another candle. when i turned around to check on the girls, they were standing by the candle, i told them to get away and went back into the living room. i sat on the couch and vanna handed me her new thumbelina barbie. i looked at barbies face half of it was black with the hair burned off. I tried to explain to the girls why they shouldnt touch the fire and how it burned barbie, it can burn them. vanna then went on to tell me her fingers were on fire. ugh!

Starting Out

I have decided to keep a blog about my life as a mother of twins.  They are my world in so may ways.  Everything i do is focused towards them...there is so much to say i dont know where to begin.  I'm overwhelmed so i will just start from the beginning.

March 6, 2006 i started working at Jackson, that day i casually meet Mike but we didnt say anything other than hi.  I saw him a few times in the next couple a days and i had this preconceived opinion of the type of guy he was.  basically cuz he wore a earning i thought, he thought he was the s#$t.  At this point i just laughed to myself about him.  A few days later, my TL asked me job shadow with someone on the team.  she began looking around at the team members and in my head i am thinking "please pick anyone but mike" (i dont know why but he made me nervous), then she said the words that changed my life forever, how about sit with mike.  argghh!  I tried to stall as long as possible but I finally pushed my chair next to him and fumbled around to get situated.  The only thing i could think about was the smell of his cologne.  he smelled so good i could barely stand to sit next to him.

 

finally after 2 weeks of training together, and lots of hints on my part, he asked me to have drinks with him and his friends.  about 6 weeks later, i was getting ready to start a new birth control, when i found an old pregnancy test laying around.  immediately after completing the test two lines appeared.  i couldnt believe it so i went to the doctor and they confirmed Dec 22, 2006 you will be a mother.   

i had always wanted to be a mother but it just wasnt the way it was suppose to happen.  i began to get use to the idea and was waiting around for mike to get use to it too.  may 11, 2006 i woke up with cramps, i called the doctor and they asked me to come in so they could take a look.  they listened to the heartbeat and did a few tests then suggested i have an ultrasound.  they said there was a possiblity i was losing the baby, had an etopic pregnancy or was just growing super fast.  at this point i was scared.  i had just got use to the idea of a baby and now it might be taken away.  as the nurse did the U/S i nervously chewed my nails.  i needed to know if the baby was ok or not.  she could tell i was nervous and started trying to chat with me.  she asked me questions about twins running in my family or if i had seen a fertility doctor.  (i was really dumb not to get her hints)  finally she said let me show the baby, she said all looks fine and turned the screen to my view.  i honestly felt like i hit the jackpot on a slot machine and was waiting for the buzzer to go off and confirm i was a winner.  on the screen sat two little blobs.  i had seen enough ultrasounds working for a fertility doctor a few years back, to know i was having more than one baby.  i kept waiting for this nurse to tell me i wasnt seeing things correctly but instead she said this is baby a and this is baby b.  i dont remember much more cuz i started crying.  I knew it was probably the biggest moment of my life and i was alone, nervous, happy, scared...i felt it all at that moment.  they printed me pictures and i still couldnt believe it.  i started calling all my friends and family.  I next had to see mike face to face and tell him.  i meet him on his lunch at work with a U/S pic that said "twins".  i just gave him the picture and he looked at for a long time.  i knew when it hit him cuz he stopped breathing, then said "oh boy".

From that moment on i was no longer Erka, i was the protector and care giving of those two blobs.