Christmas Eve

Santa was here!

bunch of mid day ramblings

WOW, Christmas eve? are you serious? how did i get here? my babies are no longer babies, our new house is completely broken in, i cant keep up on laundry.... oh and lets not forget my mother just turned 60 and my grandma refuses to take care of herself. So I'm dealing with my mom who thinks she is ugly and her life is over??? then my gma who needs me to do for her all the things I have to do for my 3 year olds. i am not complaining, just a little venting.
Santa is coming tonight and bringing two new bikes and a bunch of princess stuff. hopefully santa is bringing me an engagement ring and a new coffee maker :)
speaking of engagement ring...so i have been thinking (that cant be good). Why do I have to get married? I love mike but i dont feel like a wedding is right for us. i always dreamed of it being very romantic but mike and i are like the couple that have been together for 70 years and barely talk. it is also a little scary that it will make us legally tied to one another. i just dont want to do it because it is what we are suppose to do, i want to do it because i want to. so far, i just dont want to :( it makes everything financially 100% different for us and i have always just like having my own money. so many changes, one that i really want is the last name. i dont like having a different last name from my children. I thought about this before i ever got prego that if i had a child it would have my last name. things didnt happen that way though. tradition says that the babes get the fathers last name and in the long run i thought it would make things easier. it has been fine so far but when the girls start school it will be a little different. i just don't know. i do prefer my children have all the same father, if we are married when i have another child we will have to pay a ton of hospital bills. if we are not married then the state will take care of it.....what a world?!
mike, bless his heart, wants us to be financial set for our retirement and i agree. this means that everything we pay for, we pay in cash. our wedding, cars, vacations, etc. we need a million things for our home and we both have different ideas for what is a priority. I want new bedroom furniture and he wants new lazy boys. he is such a man, we need new living room furniture and he wants to get everything in black because it would match the tv???? he needs to step back and let me decorate....hmmm better get back to getting ready for xmas :)

A great start to the Holiday Season

The kids conquered this hay maze, the loved it. I had to get in and drag them out.

Vanna


Maddie

Ivan

Vanna and Maddie

Vanna, Ivan and Maddie

I had a real busy weekend. Straight from work on Friday I joined mike at champions to hang out with some of his old friends. I did get a talk from one of his closest friends that mike is really planning for a wedding in our near future....Do I want to be married to him? Can we live the life of eternal bliss no matter what comes our way? more on that at a later date. Saturday morning woke up to a very sick mike and two needy two year old. Thank God that I have them. I went into the salon at noon and got a short hair cut. I have not had short hair in about 6 years and I hated it then. love it now, it gives me a hip mom look and its super easy to do. Then I went from that to watching my nephews while my sister emptied her house for new carpet. four kids can really make you wanna go crazy, plus my help is sick in bed. No sleep on Saturday night cuz the baby didn't feel well. stressful but quality filled day will all four kids. no sleep last night cuz both sister and nephew slept with me. a sacrifice I am always happy to make :)

I woke up this morning to my annoying alarm clock and rolled to see my sweet nephew sleeping right next to me. I got up and got ready for work. Gave my sleeping sister a huge sisterly love hug, kissed my nephews and started to work. Half way to work I realized I forgot my phone. I went back and got it but was happy to see while sitting at a red light a little rainbow. A small reminder from God that there is always hope.

My sister and I did take the kids to the Pumpkin Farm last night. They had a blast!

Trying to Keep Up

It's hard to keep up. I do everything I am suppose to on the outside but the crazy girl on the inside is dying to get out. I have such a wonderful life but I take it for granted.

This past week at church I realized that God has a plan for me and it is up to me to trust him and follow him or do it my own way. So far I have done it my own way. Things didn't work out the way I planned. I wanted to fall in love, get married, have tons of babies and just have the fairy tale. I thought all I had to do was just waste time until this all fell in my lap. I wasted time by partying and being young and crazy. I got drunk, had unprotected sex and now everything in my life revolves around those mistakes that I made. I love my children and Mike but this was not my fairy tale and because I did not trust God, I am paying for my mistakes. Things are good, but we do have to work a little harder for them. Mike and I don't have the love story I always dreamed of, but we are learning to love one another. I don't get a second chance to go back and change things but I can trust God and follow him so that my future is in his hands. Believe that its not too late for happily ever after.

I deal with the crazy girl inside. She doesn't want to work and just wants to play. She doesn't care if the house is a mess or if the kids had a bath. She is just holding on for the next beer or next cigarette to get me through. I just need to remember when I need comfort I don't have to turn to things, I can just turn to God. That is funny because its so easy but yet it feels much harder. I would honestly feel more comfortable just drinking her away. Unforunately that only shuts her up for a little while.

I will be fine. I am going to marry Mike, he has promised me more kids and I am going to be happy. I think I am going to go my see my doctor about changing my depression meds tho. :\

Potty Time

So we are potty training or least trying. my daughters will not use the potty for me. They go for daddy, grandma, the babysitter, everyone but me. We have a reward system where they get a sticker to put on their potty chart. Today when the girls woke up I asked them if they wanted to earn a sticker and go potty and they both yelled "no" at me. 3 minutes later Maddie sits on the potty for mike. they follow me into the bathroom and when they hear me pee they say, "good girl, momma" "you get a sticker" "your a big girl". yet they refuse to go potty for me. I feel like I am failing at this part of motherhood. they are with me more than anyone but they wont go. I don't want to force them because I don't want going to be a bad thing or something they don't like to do. what do i do?

wordless wednesday

Friday was a good day!

other life changing events

I just finished the book "love the one you are with".  It basically is about a woman in a content marriage meets up with an old boyfriend with whom she had a very passionate relationship with.  All in all she thinks that she shouldn't be married to her husband because their relationship isn't filled with passion.  This hit me very close to home.  At the end I read this paragraph that has answered a lot of questions I have had....

"Sometimes there are no happy endings.  No matter what, I'll be losing something, someone.

But maybe that's what it all comes down to.  Love, not as a surge of passion, but as a choice to commit to something, someone, no matter what obstacles or temptations stand in the way.  And maybe making that choice, again and again, day in and day out, year after year, says more about love than never having a choice to make it all."

This is huge for me and I even opened up to mike and shared it with him.

Nope, try again.

What's this familiar feeling?

So a few weeks ago I went in for the U/S for my IUD and got the call earlier this week that everything is just fine. Great, great!
Saturday, I go to meijers with my mom and get so dizzy that I have to call Mike and have him come pick me up. Sunday, Monday and Tuesday I can not get enough sleep to save my life. I am still exhausted today but am able to deal with it and just go to bed early. Then, as always with a period, I crave CARBS. pasta, breadsticks, pizza anything I can get my hands on. The strange thing that bothers me is (forgive me is this is TMI) my nipples hurt, bad. This was the trigger for me to take a pregnancy test with the girls.
When I was at the doctor a few weeks ago they did a pregnancy test and it was negative. Is it possible, could it be? Should I take another PT?

old pictures i found

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IUD

My daughters are the light of my life. Part of the time they drive me up the wall crazy but the rest of the time, when they are being angels, makes up for it all. My plans are to have more little lights in my life, at least one, maybe two. Mike isnt so much big on the idea of two more but we will see. After the girls were born I made the discussion to have an IUD placed in because with twins I decided that it would be best to wait for at least three years to have more babies. Plus Mike is so fertile I think he can get me pregnant by shaking hands.

Of course now that the girls are 2 1/2 I have baby fever (which is sometimes cured when my nephews spend the night). Mike is still not ready for another child and I respect that. So as I wait in the last two months I have had spotting and bleeding almost everyday. I finally called the doctor because this is not normal with the IUD. I went in for a pelvic exam and they took a lot of test and told me that I need to go that day and have an ultrasound to find the IUD because it does not appear to be in the right place. At the ultrasound the tech told me everything looked fine. (I would just like to say though that there is something very sad and lonely about an ultrasound with no babies inside.)

Finally on Tuesday afternoon I got a call from the nurse for my doctor and she said that "the IUD is in the uterus". unfortunatley she did not know what that means and I need to get with my OB-GYN. I told her at the current time, my ob does not take my insurance so I couldn't just go to her. She said she would talk to the doctor and get back with me. I became worried at this point, the IUD is supposed to be in uterus cavity and I was told if its not in the correct spot it needs to be surgical removed. This struck a huge cord on my biological clock, I want more children and if the doctors screw up my uterus because they dont know what they are doing, I am not going to be very happy. Scared I called the after hours OB and he told me that he would need to see the test results first thing in the morning and get back with me. About 11am this morning I get a call from a nurse at the OB's office. She said that they need me to call and request my test results to be faxed to their office. When I called my doctor, they said to leave a message on the nurse's voicemail.

So now it is Wednesday night and I haven't heard from anyone. I am nervous to see how this is going to work out. If the IUD is ok, why am I still bleeding? but if the IUD is in wrong, what will I do for BC, will it hurt my uterus to have the doctors in there trying to remove something? When I got the IUD, one of my main concerns was how will this effect me getting pregnant again and the OB assured me that it does not. I just want a healthy girl section, so I can enjoy expanding my family.

Happy Mothers' Day

As the girls get bigger they are able to understand more about each holiday. this past year with them has been fun because they know and understand whats going on but don't get the concept. Life the day after christmas they came running out of their room and shouting "where's all the toys?" they didnt get that xmas is not everyday. so, i woke up sunday morning FREEZING cold. I grabbed extra blankets, had on velour pants and a huge sweatshirt over a t shirt. for about two hours i fought this cold feeling, i finally got up and checked my temp to see i had a fever of 100.5 ( now many times my girls are running much higher fevers than that. i have learned from the drs to not dress them warmly and no blankets. let me just say i felt like the worse mom in the world because i felt so cold i thought i could die. next time the girls get a fever, they are getting snuggled in blankets.) I felt horrible, just ached from head to toe and was shaking from being cold. about 10 am my fever broke. the girls came in wished me happy mommy day, they also gave me my gift which was a "ding ding" ( thats what maddie calls it) a wind chime.

I was in bed sick all day but a few times the girls would come and climb in bed with me and just want to cuddle. I cherished every second of it knowing how lucky i am to have two healthy baby girls, that i can hold and kiss anytime i want. THANK YOU GOD!!! that is the best mother's day present i could ever have.

Today we driving home from grandma and grandpas and maddie wanted me take her hair down. i told her she needed to leave it in but she told me "my hair is taking me crazy." i love those girls and cant wait to have more.

bummer week and its only wednesday

So this week started slow with a long Monday where I didn't want to be at work. Around 3pm my older brother called and said he was having heart palpitations and was being rushed to ER. After a few tests they sent him home and told him to followup with his doctor. While this is going on Brandy and Tracy are finding out their dog Shadow has a tumor on his brain. Tuesday Bry went back to work with some anti anxiety meds and Shadow had brain surgery.

This morning I wake up to a text from my sister that her and Ivan are in the hospital. They think Ive had pneumonia and need to keep him for a few days. I offered take Alex so her and her husband, Jeff can be with Ivan. I drive to Holland, with pizzle and the girls in tow, to get fat boy Alex. By the time we return Sara advices me Ivan is going home and she will come get Alex in the morning. Now its time to return to work. My mom comes for Alex and Mike gets home from work.

From what I hear Shadow is doing well, brother is feeling alright and Ivan is back to flicking light switches (one of his favorite past times). Tonight I get to have my sweet baby boy nephew stay with me and pray that everyone else stays healthy.

I asked Pizzle on the way home who he thought would be next him or me? no one is what I hope for.

And to top it off, Sara and Dawson's shower is this weekend and I am going to miss it :(

The Balance

The weekend I found out I was pregnant started on Friday when I was looking out of the ordinarily skinny, I put on a cute skirt, halter top and sandals and headed over to mike's place. it was april still but i was warm enough to go with barely nothing on. We had nothing to do so we just went to the Dollar to drink (half off nite). I vividly remember most of the night and had a blast. On the ride home I knew I was wasted. I passed out as soon as we got to mike's. The next day we went to a Lugnuts game and I met Brandon, and that night Tracy and I went out for a drink and went home early cuz i just felt more "grown up" than all the people out drinking. I had seen Krystal that night and she told me I looked like I didnt feel well. I told her I did feel a little tired. The next morning was Easter and then the next day I was set to start my period. At Easter dinner Rachel told me I looked different and really skinny. (Its funny how the two people in the world who couldnt wait till I was pregnant could see before I did.) That night after I left mike's i got home and just for the heck of it took a pregnancy test. I called Krystal and she said she thought so the night before. It was late but Brianna was up with Krys and it just makes me laugh to remember her over hearing krys talking and being so excited. stinker!

I had a trash can under my night stand and I threw the test in there cuz I didnt want anyone to find it. Almost every hour on the hour I woke up that night and pulled it out of the trash to make sure I read it right. That morning I went to planned parenthood to make sure it was right. They did the test and in less than a minute confirmed. I then went and bought the pregnancy bible "What to expect when you are expecting". Around the afternoon I found it in me to call my mom and tell her. Being a chicken I asked her to tell my dad. Neither one of them was upset, thank the Lord. So quickly in 24 hours I went from party girl to soon to be mother. I tried to embrace the mommy part as much as possible but still be cool. Its not easy with a belly for all to see. It was like a big letter A on my chest saying "Yes I have sex". Not until recently have I realized I dont have to let go of the Woman I was before motherhood. So thats where I am in life trying to find that balance.

Trash

So I'm watching tv and a commercial comes on with a woman dumping oatmeal in a trash bag. I totally caught my attention and I thought, "Wow, she's brave. I would never do that, why not dump it down the sink." the commercial continued and it ended up being for trash bags. Then I started thinking what about that commercial caught my attention? why did I care where she dumped her trash? Why was i concerned where oatmeal was going? Then I remember, I am a mom. I deal with trash and oatmeal and being fugal on a daily basis. The people at Glad succeeded in catching me the grocery getting mom, on why there trash bags are the best.

Its stupid but again I am reminded how I went from earrings and shoes that match every outfit, to diapers and Windex. I am not complaining because I am very thankful for all I have. It just changed so quickly I didnt get time to prepare. I never got to transition, it was just drinks and partying one day to Barney and laundry the next.

Faced with a new challenge

When i gave birth to my daughters I wanted more than anything to stay home and not go back to work.  I had a horrible fear that because they would spend most of their waking hours with a child care giver, they would look to her as the mother.  I begged with Mike to go part time but it just wasnt possible.  we didnt make enough money.  I got use to going back to work and appreciated having a few hours away from the girls each day.  I basically decided to leave it in God's hands.  As time went on our babysitter decided she needed something different and we needed to find something else.  Before this had happened mike and i had planned for it and realized the only option we had was for me to work PT.  I received approval and my first day on the new schedule I realized my girls are going to be first in my life and not just fit in around work.  

I took total advantage of this and spend "quality" time with the girls everyday.  We grew a much closer bond, in fact they may be a little to reliable on me.  I get to spend my days with the girls and from 4-8 get time away at work.  The more time i spend with them the more i realize they would like to get away from me a few hours a day and have other kids to play with.  I started considering working more hours during the week and giving them the chance to go to a day care for a few hours.  because of money this wasnt going to work.

A few weeks ago I put my app in for a new position at work.  the salary starts at 35K.  this would be a huge help to my family financially but would require me to go back FT.  with this salary we could afford daycare.  not that i want the girls raised by someone else, but i really think they would like the structure.  if i take this opportunity I would be giving up the chance of being home in the first few years of any new babies we have.

So i guess this is my prayer...Lord, this is in your hands and I pray you give me the strength to handle whatever comes my way.

a little reminder

i love my children more than life.  they make me smile whenever i think about them but there are days when i wonder if i really want more.  

today i took the girls to their first cinema movie.  we saw monsters vs aliens.  uncle pizzle and grandma Maggie came along.  Vanna has been running a fever so she sat through it real well.  about half way thru the movie i remembered that i had not changed Maddie before the movie, so i grabbed her and went to the bathroom.  thanks to the cheap target brand diapers her pants were SOAKED.  i changed her and took them off.  i tried to dry them with the hand dryer but they were so wet it didn't do anything.  so i took her back into the movie with just her diaper on.  *shrug*

at this point she was done with the movie.  "momma i all done", "momma lets go home".  we were in the aisle row so i just let her crawl around on the floor since this made her happy.  she then settled down and watched the rest of the movie.  at this point her and Vanna were both getting "feisty" for lack of better word, and we went out to my parents with grandpa time.  before i worked part time we spend every Wednesday night with them for "Wednesdays with grandpa".  these girls have him wrapped more times around the finger than i ever had him and i have always been daddy's little girl.   

anyway, it was close to seven by the time we got home and the house and kitchen were destroyed, laundry needed to be folded and dinner still hadn't been cooked.  after i did all those things the girls still needed a bath and Vanna was whiny.  i had the girls in the tub and was putting the bumper back on Vanna's bed (yesterday morning she threw up all over her bed and i had to wash everything), i was thinking how i was stressed and tired and just wanted to have time alone for a minute then i remembered....I was in the salon this morning and one of the stylist was asking about my girls, i get so proud talking about them and love telling people how lucky i am to get to stay home with me, duh!  why was i stressed?  i have two beautiful girls who light up my life, at that moment i realized there was no where else in the world i wanted to be other than making my daughters bed for her.

i am blessed beyond blessed and of course i want another child.  nothing in this world makes me feel the way my children do.

Warm

Today is the first real warm, beautiful day this year. The girls and I went outside this morning and played in the dirt. Uncle Pizzle came over and we went for a jog/walk, out to lunch and then to lowes. its amazing how good everyone feels on a day like this. you just want to be outside, doesnt matter why. it also reminds me of how blessed i am. that i can take my girls out and let them enjoy the outdoors. i can see their smiling faces and all the thoughts and ideas racing thru their heads. they really love being outside.

the birth

I was very lucky with a pretty easy pregnancy. I had real bad morning sickness for the first four months and was hospitalized once for dehydration. the second trimester was a breeze, but the third is when i became miserable. I was just so tired all the time and my body felt so heavy. I also had bad restless leg symdrome and couldnt sleep well cuz my hips were stretching. then maddie decided to place her butt on my rib and squashed my lung for the last month of pregnancy. I was out of work cuz i just couldnt sit still in that uncomfortable chair for 7 hours. I was healthy, just uncomfortable.

On November 8, 2006 mike and i meet at the doctors office for my regular check. they did a quick ultrasound to check the growth and everything looked fine. I actually remember being in a real good mood at the office and not feeling as uncomfortable as normal. They gave me pictures of the girls and said that they had switched positions. Maddie who had been Baby A was now higher than savannah, who was Baby B. Savannah was closer to the cervix and both were head down. the doctor told me if i had any signs of labor to go to the hospital, otherwise see you in two weeks.

On the ride home i was frustrated. I measured 42 1/2 weeks along and i couldnt imagine how huge i would be in two weeks. i made dinner, ate and went and laid across my bed. i started crying cuz i just didnt know how much longer i could just sit around and get bigger. a few minutes into my tears, Krystal called to see how my check up went. I told her that the doc said "we could see babies in the next few weeks" and i told her how i didnt know if i could do it. she laughed and i got over it. that night mike stayed up extra late cuz he took the next day off of work. i always went to bed at 9pm because if i stayed up much later my restless leg thing would start. a few hours after falling asleep, i woke up to cramps that made me think i had to go to the bathroom. mike was not in bed yet and i got up and down about 3 times before he came in at 1pm to go to sleep. i told him i thought i was having contractions cuz i didnt know what else it could be. he told me to time them and he laid down and feel asleep. I tried to time them but they were not as bad as they were before. i woke him up and said they were about 15 mins apart. he told me to call my doctor and they told me to go to the hospital. we jumped up and starting rushing around. i didnt have a bag packed so i just threw a few things in a bag and left. i couldnt imagine that i wouldnt be back in a few hours.

As we drove to the hospital i had one contraction and i thought 'great, now they are going away. they are just gonna tell me to go home.' at the hospital the nurse came in and hooked me up on a monitor. savannah then started moving a lot and kept kicking the heart monitor off. they asked me how often i was having contractions and i said about every 15. the nurse then looked at me and said, "no you are having them every 2 minutes". the doctor came in to examine me and she sat down to take a look and said, "well you are dilated and i see a head". i panicked, i couldnt do anything to stop from the babies coming. another doctor came in and agreed i was in full on labor and that the babies would be going straight to the nicu because they were only 33 weeks.  She reassured me that this was fine and that her daughter was also in the nicu for 2 weeks after she was born.  i had no fear and was completely ok with everything.  she then asked me if i wanted a c section or to deliver.  she said "i will never make anyone do anything they dont want to do".  as a chicken i choose c section.  they told me it be a few hours because they were a few other woman ahead of me.  i think it was a full moon and they had a full house.

I was immediately bombarded by doctors and nurse asking me question, having me sign paperwork.  they were so many different people in the room i didnt know what was going on.  next thing i know they are taking me out of the room on the bed.  they handed mike some scrubs and started wheeling me down the hall.  i thought they were taking me to another room to wait.  my nurse then asked me if why i wasnt wearing a cap over my hair.  then someone was putting one on my head and wheeled me into a surgery room.  i had no idea why but they were doing the c section immediately.  i dont remember much in the delivery room other than the doctor saying "hello sunshine" as she pulled savannah out.  im pretty sure i held me breath until i heard her cry which felt like forever.  then i started crying.  they asked mike her name and he said "which side was she on?"  the dr said left and he said "savannah".  i looked at the clock and they were both born at 534am.  by this point my blood pressure was dropping and i felt like i couldnt breath and needed to throw up.  they got my bp under control and brought me a baby and said "here mommy give her a kiss before she goes to the nicu".  i remember looking at my daughter and not being able to understand what i was seeing.  i always thought i would have an instant connection but i honestly felt 'who is that' it could of been anyones baby.  i kissed the second baby and then the took them both away in one incubator.

i was still pretty out of it and i just wanted to get out of there and go see my mom.  mike told me my intestines were sitting on my chest and it would be a little bit.  i went to recovery and my mom and brother were there waiting for me.  my nurse, who had been with me since i checked in, was sitting at the end of my bed filling out paperwork.  she called up to the nicu and told us savannah weighed 4 14 and maddie was 5 3 and that in about an hour i could go up to see them.  mike was gone for most of the hour calling everyone we knew.  a little bit later sara showed up and i was so glad to see my sister.  

they finally came to take me up to see the girls and took me in my bed with mike, sara, jp and mom following.  when we got up there they only allowed me, mike and my mom to go in.  they first wheeled my into a little room where savannah was.  she was so tiny and covering in tubes and a mask on her face.  she had a hat on so i couldnt see her face at all.  they told me i could touch her but not rub her because her skin was so thin it would feel itchy to her.  they then rolled me right next door to where maddie was.  it was the same and i was so drugged i dont remember seeing her.  the rest of the day was mostly a blur due to the morphine.  i had a few visitors and was very proud to let everyone go up to see my daughters.

it took me a couple of days till i realized how much i loved them and needed them.  the emotions and hormones had taken over me and i felt like my heart was taken out and was two floors above me.   i needed rest but i couldnt stand not being with the girls.  even when i was with them i felt guilty that they were in different rooms and i couldnt be with them at the same time.

to this day whenever i hear of a baby going to the nicu my heart starts to ache for the mother and takes me back to the hours i just sat staring at my girls.

Playing with fire

My little blobs have gone into strong, healthy, tall and mouthy 2 year olds. Today i cleaned the house and when i was finished lite a few candles to make the house smell nice. At 2 the girls are really interested in fire. i went into the kitchen to lite another candle. when i turned around to check on the girls, they were standing by the candle, i told them to get away and went back into the living room. i sat on the couch and vanna handed me her new thumbelina barbie. i looked at barbies face half of it was black with the hair burned off. I tried to explain to the girls why they shouldnt touch the fire and how it burned barbie, it can burn them. vanna then went on to tell me her fingers were on fire. ugh!

Starting Out

I have decided to keep a blog about my life as a mother of twins.  They are my world in so may ways.  Everything i do is focused towards them...there is so much to say i dont know where to begin.  I'm overwhelmed so i will just start from the beginning.

March 6, 2006 i started working at Jackson, that day i casually meet Mike but we didnt say anything other than hi.  I saw him a few times in the next couple a days and i had this preconceived opinion of the type of guy he was.  basically cuz he wore a earning i thought, he thought he was the s#$t.  At this point i just laughed to myself about him.  A few days later, my TL asked me job shadow with someone on the team.  she began looking around at the team members and in my head i am thinking "please pick anyone but mike" (i dont know why but he made me nervous), then she said the words that changed my life forever, how about sit with mike.  argghh!  I tried to stall as long as possible but I finally pushed my chair next to him and fumbled around to get situated.  The only thing i could think about was the smell of his cologne.  he smelled so good i could barely stand to sit next to him.

 

finally after 2 weeks of training together, and lots of hints on my part, he asked me to have drinks with him and his friends.  about 6 weeks later, i was getting ready to start a new birth control, when i found an old pregnancy test laying around.  immediately after completing the test two lines appeared.  i couldnt believe it so i went to the doctor and they confirmed Dec 22, 2006 you will be a mother.   

i had always wanted to be a mother but it just wasnt the way it was suppose to happen.  i began to get use to the idea and was waiting around for mike to get use to it too.  may 11, 2006 i woke up with cramps, i called the doctor and they asked me to come in so they could take a look.  they listened to the heartbeat and did a few tests then suggested i have an ultrasound.  they said there was a possiblity i was losing the baby, had an etopic pregnancy or was just growing super fast.  at this point i was scared.  i had just got use to the idea of a baby and now it might be taken away.  as the nurse did the U/S i nervously chewed my nails.  i needed to know if the baby was ok or not.  she could tell i was nervous and started trying to chat with me.  she asked me questions about twins running in my family or if i had seen a fertility doctor.  (i was really dumb not to get her hints)  finally she said let me show the baby, she said all looks fine and turned the screen to my view.  i honestly felt like i hit the jackpot on a slot machine and was waiting for the buzzer to go off and confirm i was a winner.  on the screen sat two little blobs.  i had seen enough ultrasounds working for a fertility doctor a few years back, to know i was having more than one baby.  i kept waiting for this nurse to tell me i wasnt seeing things correctly but instead she said this is baby a and this is baby b.  i dont remember much more cuz i started crying.  I knew it was probably the biggest moment of my life and i was alone, nervous, happy, scared...i felt it all at that moment.  they printed me pictures and i still couldnt believe it.  i started calling all my friends and family.  I next had to see mike face to face and tell him.  i meet him on his lunch at work with a U/S pic that said "twins".  i just gave him the picture and he looked at for a long time.  i knew when it hit him cuz he stopped breathing, then said "oh boy".

From that moment on i was no longer Erka, i was the protector and care giving of those two blobs.